FAMILY BEYOND BLOOD:WE ARE OUR LOVE LANGUAGE 

By Kevin Mwachiro,Essy Adhiambo

Mtoto umleavyo ndivyo akuavyo.  This methali is familiar to many of us, so let it linger in the back of your mind as you continue reading.

I grew up with two homes. One was headed by my father, the other by my mom. My parents parted ways in the mid-80s. I was eleven when this happened. Broken homes were an anomaly and a rarity back then. Both homes offered a different type of safety. Both homes offered a different understanding of love. I knew my situation was different, and some of my friends’ parents chose to treat me differently. In some bizarre way, those of us in my primary school who came from different homes developed a sense of empathy towards one another. There was an unspoken recognition of huku kwenu ni kama kwetu. 

But in retrospect, I know I had more than two homes, which was the situation for many of us. Bear with me. You will see where I am going with this. There is the adage, It takes a village to raise a child. Some include an African village in that proverb, but for us on the continent, the greater family is recognised in raising children.    There were grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins who took on the parental responsibility for one reason or another. And in some cases, it could have been an older sibling who was the parental figure.  One of my aunts often describes my dad, her elder brother, as a father to her, because my dad took on the role of educating, supporting and providing for his siblings once their father, my babu, passed on in the late 1960s. My dad was barely out of high school when this load was placed on his shoulders. Where am I going with this? My point is that we, Kenyans and Africans in general, don’t have a linear way of looking at family, and we see the family evolve; it still takes a village. 

This week, a conference in Nairobi promoted ‘Family Values’ within one of its themes. It is incredulous to think there can be a standard way of looking at the tenets that make up a home.   Within the many African homes respect is key. The adults are greeted with ‘Shikamoo’ and are never addressed by their first names. Hence, having numerous blood-related and non-related blood uncles and aunts. There is an uncle or aunt whom is dispatched to ‘talk sense to’ whenever a child is described as kichwa ngumu or the phrases, ‘huyo anatushinda’ or ‘amekosa tabia‘ are used. Like I said earlier, it takes a village. 

As people of this land, utu is our essence and our love language as Africans. Which is typified chiefly through acts of service. It’s female relatives showing up with flasks of uji after pregnancy, vast amounts of bread and milk that turn up at matanga, harambees that we have contributed to for weddings, education, medical bills, or even the phrase wacha nikusindikize when saying farewell.

According to various African scholars, utu or ubuntu embodies ‘compassion, reciprocity, dignity, harmony and humanity to strengthen communities and celebrate goodness in others‘. To tell someone ‘hana utu’  or pointing out that someone lacks humanness is the ultimate insult as an African as you are telling the other person that they are empty inside. The late Professor Micere Mugo was a proponent of utu and states, “The act of being human is in the affirmation of others’ humanity. Without this, we are a mockery of the human essence”.  

Our very national anthem embodies utu as each verse touches on an element of collectiveness. Consider these lines,  ‘Na tukae na undugu,  or amkeni ndugu zetu or tufanye sote bidi or tuungane mikono. 

As an openly gay man,the threat of being disowned, disinherited and rejected by family is very real.This threat of familial rejection and loss is a shared and significant burden carried by countless individuals across the entire LGBTQ+ community which often leads many of us to create chosen families. These chosen families, carefully curated, are a testament to the power of love and acceptance. One key characteristic of these units is that unconditional love exists within them—a come-as-you-are approach is embraced. Here, queerness is the common thread, andå love, respect, joy and  grace  are woven and wrenched into its fabric. It is far from perfect like any other family, but it has provided a place where one is seen, heard and can present their whole self. There are no masks, and performative love is an unwelcome guest. 

Therefore, a day like today,  May 17, which commemorates the International Day Against Homophobia,  Biphobia and Transphobia (IDAHOBIT),  is a call to utu towards  the LGBTQI+ individuals.Interestingly, the theme for this year is ‘the power of communities’  and yet we are seeing a group of individuals wanting to define and even gate keep on the first community that we are born into, our families and our home. 

A recent  article by writer and thinker Ngare Kariuki, brilliantly states that, “We destroy ourselves when we forget that we’re all in this rickety, beautiful, messy family together. When we build walls instead of bridges, prioritise fear over empathy, and forget that our shared humanity is far more powerful than our differences, we destroy ourselves. When we use the idea of protecting the family as a weapon to exclude and marginalise, we harm us all.”

Family is diverse, you are born into a family or you choose your family. Family is the heartbeat of African identity. Yet for many LGBTQ+ individuals navigating these spaces can be fraught with rejection and exclusion, forcing us to redefine what family truly means. While biological ties may shape where we come from, chosen family forms the foundation of where we belong. Rooted in love and mutual respect, these families reflect the very essence of African values-community, shared responsibility and the belief that no one should ever be left behind. In these families, love is radical , healing and deeply African, mirroring the kinship systems our ancestors upheld long before colonial structures dicated who we who we should be.

As Kenyans and Africans, we have embodied the power of our communities for aeons. We have always recognised the uncorrupted and good-intentioned influence of the greater family, be it the grandparents, the uncles and aunts and cousins, and the wider village. 

Today, it is not only about speaking against hate, discrimination, stigma and violence against Individuals of the LGBTQI community, it is a call to affirm what we are and have always been as Africans, that we are and will always be a people of utu. We affirm that family is not confined in tradition but shaped by those who uplift and protect  us.  Our families, chosen or given, hold the power to create a world where we thrive unapologetically, reminding us that belonging is not dictated by others, but defined by those who love us as we are. That this  is home, our village and our love language. 

– ENDS –

Kevin Mwachiro is a writer, journalist, podcaster and queer activist based in Kilifi County. 

Essy Adhiambo is a human rights Defender and the Executive Director of Initiative For Equality and Non Discrimination , a non-profit organisation fighting for Human rights protection,inclusion and Justice for LGBTIQ+